X AMOUNT OF WORDS

The song I can’t stop listening to is X Amount of Words by Blue October. This song has some amazing electronic beats and sounds. Justin’s voice sounds amazing, and the main chorus part where they have the echoing “Oh” and the cheering of the crowd, and then the amazing dark sounds under that is my favorite part. I love this song.

Walsh Jesuit

So if you read my last post, you know that I’m not the happyest about some of the things that are happening in my life. One of them being the fact that I’m being ripped from where I was somewhat happy, in the Twinsburg School District. Even though I never had a major breakthrough in making tons of friends, or anything like that, I had a few of the best ones that I had ever had. Some of the closest ones that I could tell anything to. Some of the most accepting, and nice friends I could ask for. So there was only about 9 or 10. Those were the close ones. On top of that, I have tons more aquintences than I had ever had. Not major friends, but people I could hang out with in school, work together on school projects, etc. My parents don’t think this is true. They would rather see me as the most popular person in the school, than be a million times happier and have a few that I loved. But its not their fault. No one can see that in a person. Anyone who is popular and has tons of people following them around begging them to be their best friend would look a hundred times happier than someone like me. But it’s just not the case. It won’t change. This is how I would much rather be. I used to do so much with them. But now I just turn it all down. I can’t stand the fact that they will all be going somewhere different than me. And I know they still live in Twinsburg, but it doesn’t matter. They will see eachother everyday, become closer and closer. I won’t get home everyday till one hour after. I will have probably more homework than them, because I have a theology class on top of everything else, and my school day is longer. Not that its a better school, but it would rather tell me the teachings of twelve random people who decided to tell everyone how to live, and whats right and whats wrong in a book, rather than teach me something that might actually, ahemm… help me? in my career future. I can tell you know that I have no plans on becoming a priest father. Also, no offence to anyone who is christian or catholic. I don’t mean it as anything against you, I just strongly oppose religion, and I think completely for myself, and by teachers that aren’t ancient. If you don’t agree with my religion perspective, then just ignore that part and continue reading.

So basically, I just don’t want to go there so badly. It hurts to know that I will be seperated from so many more people. And you have no idea the fight I put up. I’m at my grandmas house right now typing this. And I’ve been here for a few days. I’m not aloud to leave until I agree to just go to walsh.

I wish they could see my blogs so badly.

It might do something.

But anyway. I have been trying to negotiate with my parents. My grandma has been helping me. But it still feels like no one in my family will take my side. No matter how much they say so, they just want me to go to Walsh. They think I’ve ruined my reputation, because I’ve given up on denying to everyone in the school that I’m gay. I can’t just live my whole life having to have people torture me like that, telling me how I’m a fag. It’s not like I’ve gone out and said that I was gay. I don’t even no what my real sexual orientation is. First I think I’m straight, then I think I’m bi curious, then I think I’m bi, then gay, then straight, and all these different things. Honestly, even though I may not know, it’s not a big deal for me. I know that someday I may know for sure, but I also may not, and I’m fine with that. I just have to live life and not worry about it. But I may have started to act myself. I dress the way I like, and my friends are those that I like.

They continue to think that my life is going to be harder now because of this. I already went half a year where I kept pretending to be what I may not be, and I loved being honest with myself and everyone else so much better than I ever had.

I loved life how I had it for half of a year. And now most of it’s gone, since most of it was fueled by always seeing my friends in school. Thats how I planned plans with them. And it doesn’t matter if I can still see them sometimes, and call them, and IM them, I will never be as close as I was before. And thats what makes me the most sick.

All because of my parents, who think that my life will be better at Walsh. And as I said earlier, who wouldn’t?

I feel..

It’s weird. I want to say how i feel so bad with out sounding depressed. I try not to feel depressed.

I miss so much. I meet so many great people everywhere else. Then I never see them again. I miss vacation. I feel bored all the time. It feels like my city is just empty anymore. I want to move. But theres a few people I couldnt bare to say goodbye to. My family seems slightly bored too. But they all have more people to say goodbye to.

All I can listen to is the song “Not Now But Soon” by Imogen Heap. That song is becoming an addiction. A terrible one. Or an amazing one. It is the most beautiful song I have ever heard in my life. It makes me cry everytime I hear it. It makes me feel like I’m wasting my life. Like I’m wasting the best days of my life. It’s such a futuristic song. It makes me just cringe for a furutistic world. In a huge city with people all around. Amazing people that are so much different than some of the ones I know.

Don’t get me wrong. I have a few people that I absolutely love and think are amazing. Even a few where I live.

I need to break free from where I am. I can’t wait until I’m old enough to move out. I will live in a huge place with lots of people. It is depressing. I must admit.

But even that thought makes me cry. There are so many people out there that I have met. So many people that I can’t be away from. It’s so hard to keep in touch with anyone anymore.

I wanted to try and go to school and start over. Here where I am. In my own city. But I can’t. I’m being forced to go to a private school thats 45 minutes away from my house. Almost no one lives where I live. My parents just don’t understand how depressing this will be for me. I already feel like some of my favorite people are too far away from me. What will do this to me? I can’t take it.

We’re hanging on the best days of our lives.

Coming right out, if we can just get through this one.

My new addiction: caffeine. Thank god its nothing worse. I might deny it, but to feel any better I have to have an energy drink. They get me hyper and make me feel so much better about my self. It’s horrible.

I’m tearing up so bad after I wrote that. I can’t help it. I havn’t had one in a few days. I cried all day yesterday because I couldn’t have one. It’s that bad.

I know it’s just an energy drink. It’s no where near as bad as some of the addictions out there. It’s not that bad compared to what other people have to go through. But I’m only 14! What happens  when I’m older? I don’t even know that answer.

I’m not a dark person at all. I never was. I used to be a happy person. I can’t be anymore. I don’t consider my drinking of caffeine to be me as “happy” at all. Thats not me. Thats who I want to be.

I need help so bad. My parents tried to get me to go to a pshychotrist [i'm sorry I cant spell right now]. They think I have social anxiety. Thats not what it is. It might seem like it. They may be able to observe my actions, by they will never know what goes on in my head. I know this whole thing might have something to do with anxiety, but I don’t think the whole problem is social anxiety.

Theres one more hugely important thing that I wish I could put on here. It would help you help me so much more if i could put it. But I can’t. I could get in trouble again with my parents if they were to see it. That led to not seeing any of the few people i love in twinsburg for a few months. That made everything worse. Thats about the time I started drinking monster and red bull.

I don’t want to go see anyone. I don’t want to go outside. I don’t want to be in the sun. When people invite me to do things I can’t help but make an exuse not to go. I’m over eating, and overly tired. I’ve gotten so used to the contant fatigue that I forgot I even had it. I’ve gotten so used to caffeine that I’ve forgotten what it feels like.

Let me tell you how bad it is. I just got home from vacation. It was ten days long. On the first day, we went to the grocery store. I bought a monster XXL four pack. I drank one that day, along with a giant arizona ice tea, one the next day, and two the next day. For the next few days, I thrived on red bull. Two a day usually from the liqour store attached to the hotel I was staying. Then, the friends I was with who also had a few red bulls and stuff, showed me a place to buy more. A huge stock at the surf store right down the boardwalk  from where I was staying.

I’m actually happy that I drank energy drinks all throughout vacation. I was never really tired and I was that more fun and happy person that I wish I could always be.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. What would take a HUGE amount of stress and weight off my shoulders would be if I could go to the public school. Then I would know that I wouln’t loose anymore people that I loved, and my friends would all right be here. I think that would do so much for me once school starts. But I’ve tried everything and there is no way that I can get out of going there.

I’ll update here later. If you have any suggestion to help me out, please leave a comment here. It would really help me. I know I wrote alot, but if you want to just write something, it would help me.

Thankk you

I tore the already unstable guts out of religion and its word “moral” with my bare claws

To start this off, I would like to note that this blog has nothing to do with any hate towards religious peoples. I am not trying to show my non-exsistant hate for priests and other religious leaders. I know that 99.999% of the people in this world are religious, and nothing I, or anyone else can do will ever change that. Most of my friends are religious, and I have absolutely no problem with that. This blog is to show my despise of religion as only an idea.

I am not a religious person. I was born a religious person, and grew up until about the age of 13 as a Roman Catholic. Then the goodness and joy represented by the priests all collapsed and I saw true religion, and what it can do. I quickly learned that most followers of the church stay with the same thing that they are told from the start. And they follow it strictly. It’s called the bible. It’s called the Tanakh. It’s called any type of “sacred” name that those born into any religion are almost required to follow.

Now my point. Why should we go through life making our decisions based on what our religion, that most don’t choose, actually, says. Why don’t people just choose to be a free thinker? It’s okay if you want to believe in god, because I know people need to believe in something, but when it comes to the church telling you whats true about anything, you don’t have to believe it. But you will. And thats what religion does to us.

I remain unreligious. I don’t say I believe in god, but I don’t say I’m atheist. I believe somethings up there.

I might delete this later. It’s rather unorganized, and I was just throwing down alot of random points.

heres what i work for

I tore the crippled scene apart limb from limb and saved the pieces in a jar. destroyed the mighty black parade with my magical pink umbrella. became the new face of punk with two clicks of the mouse. took over the global internet empire with some HTML code and a few cool photobucket graphics. crashed every train and left their members and their symbols lying worthlessly on the black, tear stained dirt. i caused every mannequins life, and only life, on the internet to come plummeting down on their faces more and more, each step closer they took to internet fame. and what are you going to do about it? .friendSpace, .friendsComments{display:none!important;} .userProfileURL { display:none; } .userProfileDetail {display:none;} .contactTable {display: none;} td.text table, td.text td.text {background-color:transparent;} .blurbs{kj} td.text td.text .orangetext15 {display:none;} .orangetext15{display: none;} .extendedNetwork {display:none;} .latestBlogEntry {display:none;} .whitetext12{ display:none; visibility:hidden; } .lightbluetext8{ display:none; visibility:hidden; }

Who I’d like to meet:

letsDESTROYtogether.’s Friend Space (Top 4) letsDESTROYtogether. has 249 friends. JEFFREE STAR Tom Panic At The Disco My Chemical Romance View letsDESTROYtogether.’s Friends: All | Online | New

Screw the gender norm!

INTRO: So I recenently got done reading about a ten year old boy who hung himself, quite probably because he felt like he didn’t fit in with the other kids at school, and was harassed and tortured to no end, as many homosexual men and women go through everyday of their lives. This boy was interested in wearing clothing designed for females, and putting certain substances on his face, that according to the “gender norm”, are designed for females. I learned that although his family was accepting of his decisions, his family suspects that kids at school were not.

So basically heres what I think. Screw the gender norm with every possible tool in existance. Nail it hard into the dirt and call it dead. As dead as the thousands of homosexuals that die every year, not because they’re fighting in a war. Not because of a plane crash. Not because of drugs, alchohal, disease, or murder. More or less indirect murder. Some call it selfish. Some call it a “pernament solution to a temporary problem.” Well wake up and get out of girl scouts camp hun. Being gay is not temporary. Harassment for being gay is not a temporary problem.

This article is not all about gay harassment. Its about people wanting to be themselves. People who dont fit the perfect stereotype for their gender. Boys that would rather be a model than an NBA basketball player, and girls that would prepher professional wrestling over baking cookies. Why does it really have to matter so much. Why do sports, activites, clothing, hair styles, thoughts and ideas, and even things as small as colors have to come with gender specific labels. Not everything does. But I’m talking about the extremes. I’m not writing a blog saying that girls should be able to play basketball and boy should be able to be models. Thats not what I’m saying. I see a world where all gender boundaries are broken. It doesn’t matter about what gender you prepher to have in a relationship. It shouldn’t. Parents should not have to be “worried” because their son likes to play with barbie dolls.  If your song likes to play with barbie dolls, that does not all the sudden make him confused or gay, that means that he likes to play with barbie dolls. He very well may be gay, but it shouldn’t be though of that way immediatly. It’s just a bunch of stupid stereotypes.

Not a single person would tell you that it is okay to stereotype people. No African American civil right leader, no Jewish religious leader, no catholic priest, no parents of children would say that stereotypes are okay. Stereotypes are never looked at as a good thing.

And do you know what the gender norm is? It’s a big pile of stereotypes effecting more lives than anyone would think.
ps. i realize that i am only fourteen years old, and no one out there may want to take anything i write seriously as i know from putting my posts on myspace, but that doesn’t mean that i dont have thoughts and that i’m plain stupid.

chris crocker

okayyy so i have recently been watching chris crockers videos on myspace and youtube, and heres my opinion:

i think he is pretty cool. he has some good points and stuff, and hes actually pretty funny. he tells us stuff that no one else would, like he tells us the all true fact that every girl got a gay best friend. his whackiness and craziness is pretty funny, but strange i must say. overall, i respect him and give him credit because he acts himself, not the way he wants people to act.

there is one problem i have with him though, and even though this may sound hipocritical of what i just said, i think chris gives homosexuals a bad name… people in the catagory of lgbt go through alot to be accepted by their friends, peers, and even their family. they have to have fear of job discrimination, and hate crimes. overall a harder life. the typical stereotype for gay men, is an extremely feminite acting person, who acts completely like a women, and has no male interests or masculine characteristics what so ever. chris does not help abolish this stereotype at all… its not wrong of him, as he is just acting himself, but it does, in fact, give homosexuals, and other sexual orientation minority groups a bad name.

“queer”

i am sick and tired of people always saying “queer” as an insult to describe things. i hate people who do that.

some bitch at the eye doctor the other day kept saying, “no honey those are so queer”. as usual when people say it, i went up to her and went “queer qwa queer queer” as i do to my mom when she says it.

it pisses me off to no end. its stupid. it insults people and it is not necessary to say.

gawd people are stupid.

are people serious?

what the heck is “ska”?  people wont shut up about it!! omg it is like jamiaicaan old people musick. dont bother with it. EWWWWWWWW.

Hi. I’m a rave in a box =P

hehe. i love techno!!! i just filled my phone with awesomely koooool electronical ringtones and they sound amazingly awesome.

im dancing to them as i write. yes i know what time it is.