I feel..

It’s weird. I want to say how i feel so bad with out sounding depressed. I try not to feel depressed.

I miss so much. I meet so many great people everywhere else. Then I never see them again. I miss vacation. I feel bored all the time. It feels like my city is just empty anymore. I want to move. But theres a few people I couldnt bare to say goodbye to. My family seems slightly bored too. But they all have more people to say goodbye to.

All I can listen to is the song “Not Now But Soon” by Imogen Heap. That song is becoming an addiction. A terrible one. Or an amazing one. It is the most beautiful song I have ever heard in my life. It makes me cry everytime I hear it. It makes me feel like I’m wasting my life. Like I’m wasting the best days of my life. It’s such a futuristic song. It makes me just cringe for a furutistic world. In a huge city with people all around. Amazing people that are so much different than some of the ones I know.

Don’t get me wrong. I have a few people that I absolutely love and think are amazing. Even a few where I live.

I need to break free from where I am. I can’t wait until I’m old enough to move out. I will live in a huge place with lots of people. It is depressing. I must admit.

But even that thought makes me cry. There are so many people out there that I have met. So many people that I can’t be away from. It’s so hard to keep in touch with anyone anymore.

I wanted to try and go to school and start over. Here where I am. In my own city. But I can’t. I’m being forced to go to a private school thats 45 minutes away from my house. Almost no one lives where I live. My parents just don’t understand how depressing this will be for me. I already feel like some of my favorite people are too far away from me. What will do this to me? I can’t take it.

We’re hanging on the best days of our lives.

Coming right out, if we can just get through this one.

My new addiction: caffeine. Thank god its nothing worse. I might deny it, but to feel any better I have to have an energy drink. They get me hyper and make me feel so much better about my self. It’s horrible.

I’m tearing up so bad after I wrote that. I can’t help it. I havn’t had one in a few days. I cried all day yesterday because I couldn’t have one. It’s that bad.

I know it’s just an energy drink. It’s no where near as bad as some of the addictions out there. It’s not that bad compared to what other people have to go through. But I’m only 14! What happens  when I’m older? I don’t even know that answer.

I’m not a dark person at all. I never was. I used to be a happy person. I can’t be anymore. I don’t consider my drinking of caffeine to be me as “happy” at all. Thats not me. Thats who I want to be.

I need help so bad. My parents tried to get me to go to a pshychotrist [i'm sorry I cant spell right now]. They think I have social anxiety. Thats not what it is. It might seem like it. They may be able to observe my actions, by they will never know what goes on in my head. I know this whole thing might have something to do with anxiety, but I don’t think the whole problem is social anxiety.

Theres one more hugely important thing that I wish I could put on here. It would help you help me so much more if i could put it. But I can’t. I could get in trouble again with my parents if they were to see it. That led to not seeing any of the few people i love in twinsburg for a few months. That made everything worse. Thats about the time I started drinking monster and red bull.

I don’t want to go see anyone. I don’t want to go outside. I don’t want to be in the sun. When people invite me to do things I can’t help but make an exuse not to go. I’m over eating, and overly tired. I’ve gotten so used to the contant fatigue that I forgot I even had it. I’ve gotten so used to caffeine that I’ve forgotten what it feels like.

Let me tell you how bad it is. I just got home from vacation. It was ten days long. On the first day, we went to the grocery store. I bought a monster XXL four pack. I drank one that day, along with a giant arizona ice tea, one the next day, and two the next day. For the next few days, I thrived on red bull. Two a day usually from the liqour store attached to the hotel I was staying. Then, the friends I was with who also had a few red bulls and stuff, showed me a place to buy more. A huge stock at the surf store right down the boardwalk  from where I was staying.

I’m actually happy that I drank energy drinks all throughout vacation. I was never really tired and I was that more fun and happy person that I wish I could always be.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. What would take a HUGE amount of stress and weight off my shoulders would be if I could go to the public school. Then I would know that I wouln’t loose anymore people that I loved, and my friends would all right be here. I think that would do so much for me once school starts. But I’ve tried everything and there is no way that I can get out of going there.

I’ll update here later. If you have any suggestion to help me out, please leave a comment here. It would really help me. I know I wrote alot, but if you want to just write something, it would help me.

Thankk you