I feel..

It’s weird. I want to say how i feel so bad with out sounding depressed. I try not to feel depressed.

I miss so much. I meet so many great people everywhere else. Then I never see them again. I miss vacation. I feel bored all the time. It feels like my city is just empty anymore. I want to move. But theres a few people I couldnt bare to say goodbye to. My family seems slightly bored too. But they all have more people to say goodbye to.

All I can listen to is the song “Not Now But Soon” by Imogen Heap. That song is becoming an addiction. A terrible one. Or an amazing one. It is the most beautiful song I have ever heard in my life. It makes me cry everytime I hear it. It makes me feel like I’m wasting my life. Like I’m wasting the best days of my life. It’s such a futuristic song. It makes me just cringe for a furutistic world. In a huge city with people all around. Amazing people that are so much different than some of the ones I know.

Don’t get me wrong. I have a few people that I absolutely love and think are amazing. Even a few where I live.

I need to break free from where I am. I can’t wait until I’m old enough to move out. I will live in a huge place with lots of people. It is depressing. I must admit.

But even that thought makes me cry. There are so many people out there that I have met. So many people that I can’t be away from. It’s so hard to keep in touch with anyone anymore.

I wanted to try and go to school and start over. Here where I am. In my own city. But I can’t. I’m being forced to go to a private school thats 45 minutes away from my house. Almost no one lives where I live. My parents just don’t understand how depressing this will be for me. I already feel like some of my favorite people are too far away from me. What will do this to me? I can’t take it.

We’re hanging on the best days of our lives.

Coming right out, if we can just get through this one.

My new addiction: caffeine. Thank god its nothing worse. I might deny it, but to feel any better I have to have an energy drink. They get me hyper and make me feel so much better about my self. It’s horrible.

I’m tearing up so bad after I wrote that. I can’t help it. I havn’t had one in a few days. I cried all day yesterday because I couldn’t have one. It’s that bad.

I know it’s just an energy drink. It’s no where near as bad as some of the addictions out there. It’s not that bad compared to what other people have to go through. But I’m only 14! What happens  when I’m older? I don’t even know that answer.

I’m not a dark person at all. I never was. I used to be a happy person. I can’t be anymore. I don’t consider my drinking of caffeine to be me as “happy” at all. Thats not me. Thats who I want to be.

I need help so bad. My parents tried to get me to go to a pshychotrist [i'm sorry I cant spell right now]. They think I have social anxiety. Thats not what it is. It might seem like it. They may be able to observe my actions, by they will never know what goes on in my head. I know this whole thing might have something to do with anxiety, but I don’t think the whole problem is social anxiety.

Theres one more hugely important thing that I wish I could put on here. It would help you help me so much more if i could put it. But I can’t. I could get in trouble again with my parents if they were to see it. That led to not seeing any of the few people i love in twinsburg for a few months. That made everything worse. Thats about the time I started drinking monster and red bull.

I don’t want to go see anyone. I don’t want to go outside. I don’t want to be in the sun. When people invite me to do things I can’t help but make an exuse not to go. I’m over eating, and overly tired. I’ve gotten so used to the contant fatigue that I forgot I even had it. I’ve gotten so used to caffeine that I’ve forgotten what it feels like.

Let me tell you how bad it is. I just got home from vacation. It was ten days long. On the first day, we went to the grocery store. I bought a monster XXL four pack. I drank one that day, along with a giant arizona ice tea, one the next day, and two the next day. For the next few days, I thrived on red bull. Two a day usually from the liqour store attached to the hotel I was staying. Then, the friends I was with who also had a few red bulls and stuff, showed me a place to buy more. A huge stock at the surf store right down the boardwalk  from where I was staying.

I’m actually happy that I drank energy drinks all throughout vacation. I was never really tired and I was that more fun and happy person that I wish I could always be.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. What would take a HUGE amount of stress and weight off my shoulders would be if I could go to the public school. Then I would know that I wouln’t loose anymore people that I loved, and my friends would all right be here. I think that would do so much for me once school starts. But I’ve tried everything and there is no way that I can get out of going there.

I’ll update here later. If you have any suggestion to help me out, please leave a comment here. It would really help me. I know I wrote alot, but if you want to just write something, it would help me.

Thankk you

I tore the already unstable guts out of religion and its word “moral” with my bare claws

To start this off, I would like to note that this blog has nothing to do with any hate towards religious peoples. I am not trying to show my non-exsistant hate for priests and other religious leaders. I know that 99.999% of the people in this world are religious, and nothing I, or anyone else can do will ever change that. Most of my friends are religious, and I have absolutely no problem with that. This blog is to show my despise of religion as only an idea.

I am not a religious person. I was born a religious person, and grew up until about the age of 13 as a Roman Catholic. Then the goodness and joy represented by the priests all collapsed and I saw true religion, and what it can do. I quickly learned that most followers of the church stay with the same thing that they are told from the start. And they follow it strictly. It’s called the bible. It’s called the Tanakh. It’s called any type of “sacred” name that those born into any religion are almost required to follow.

Now my point. Why should we go through life making our decisions based on what our religion, that most don’t choose, actually, says. Why don’t people just choose to be a free thinker? It’s okay if you want to believe in god, because I know people need to believe in something, but when it comes to the church telling you whats true about anything, you don’t have to believe it. But you will. And thats what religion does to us.

I remain unreligious. I don’t say I believe in god, but I don’t say I’m atheist. I believe somethings up there.

I might delete this later. It’s rather unorganized, and I was just throwing down alot of random points.

Screw the gender norm!

INTRO: So I recenently got done reading about a ten year old boy who hung himself, quite probably because he felt like he didn’t fit in with the other kids at school, and was harassed and tortured to no end, as many homosexual men and women go through everyday of their lives. This boy was interested in wearing clothing designed for females, and putting certain substances on his face, that according to the “gender norm”, are designed for females. I learned that although his family was accepting of his decisions, his family suspects that kids at school were not.

So basically heres what I think. Screw the gender norm with every possible tool in existance. Nail it hard into the dirt and call it dead. As dead as the thousands of homosexuals that die every year, not because they’re fighting in a war. Not because of a plane crash. Not because of drugs, alchohal, disease, or murder. More or less indirect murder. Some call it selfish. Some call it a “pernament solution to a temporary problem.” Well wake up and get out of girl scouts camp hun. Being gay is not temporary. Harassment for being gay is not a temporary problem.

This article is not all about gay harassment. Its about people wanting to be themselves. People who dont fit the perfect stereotype for their gender. Boys that would rather be a model than an NBA basketball player, and girls that would prepher professional wrestling over baking cookies. Why does it really have to matter so much. Why do sports, activites, clothing, hair styles, thoughts and ideas, and even things as small as colors have to come with gender specific labels. Not everything does. But I’m talking about the extremes. I’m not writing a blog saying that girls should be able to play basketball and boy should be able to be models. Thats not what I’m saying. I see a world where all gender boundaries are broken. It doesn’t matter about what gender you prepher to have in a relationship. It shouldn’t. Parents should not have to be “worried” because their son likes to play with barbie dolls.  If your song likes to play with barbie dolls, that does not all the sudden make him confused or gay, that means that he likes to play with barbie dolls. He very well may be gay, but it shouldn’t be though of that way immediatly. It’s just a bunch of stupid stereotypes.

Not a single person would tell you that it is okay to stereotype people. No African American civil right leader, no Jewish religious leader, no catholic priest, no parents of children would say that stereotypes are okay. Stereotypes are never looked at as a good thing.

And do you know what the gender norm is? It’s a big pile of stereotypes effecting more lives than anyone would think.
ps. i realize that i am only fourteen years old, and no one out there may want to take anything i write seriously as i know from putting my posts on myspace, but that doesn’t mean that i dont have thoughts and that i’m plain stupid.

chris crocker

okayyy so i have recently been watching chris crockers videos on myspace and youtube, and heres my opinion:

i think he is pretty cool. he has some good points and stuff, and hes actually pretty funny. he tells us stuff that no one else would, like he tells us the all true fact that every girl got a gay best friend. his whackiness and craziness is pretty funny, but strange i must say. overall, i respect him and give him credit because he acts himself, not the way he wants people to act.

there is one problem i have with him though, and even though this may sound hipocritical of what i just said, i think chris gives homosexuals a bad name… people in the catagory of lgbt go through alot to be accepted by their friends, peers, and even their family. they have to have fear of job discrimination, and hate crimes. overall a harder life. the typical stereotype for gay men, is an extremely feminite acting person, who acts completely like a women, and has no male interests or masculine characteristics what so ever. chris does not help abolish this stereotype at all… its not wrong of him, as he is just acting himself, but it does, in fact, give homosexuals, and other sexual orientation minority groups a bad name.

“queer”

i am sick and tired of people always saying “queer” as an insult to describe things. i hate people who do that.

some bitch at the eye doctor the other day kept saying, “no honey those are so queer”. as usual when people say it, i went up to her and went “queer qwa queer queer” as i do to my mom when she says it.

it pisses me off to no end. its stupid. it insults people and it is not necessary to say.

gawd people are stupid.

Hi. I’m a rave in a box =P

hehe. i love techno!!! i just filled my phone with awesomely koooool electronical ringtones and they sound amazingly awesome.

im dancing to them as i write. yes i know what time it is.

Hey. So. Yeah. Hi.

Well yeah. I don’t really want to get real into this and start talking about me, my life, and all of its boringness. I basically made a wordpress blog because unfortunately I am not aloud to have a MySpace, and the one thing from MySpace that I cannot live without is the blogging feature.

I really do have alot to talk about, and you will see that when I get into posting about stuff. It’s really hard to start talking about stuff till it happens.

Well okay I’ll say a little. I’m Ryan. Life recently has been really strange and different for me. I’m not saying it’s bad, just I’ve experienced more in the year 2008 then in all my previous years put together. I have lots of different views on things. Alot are really different then other peoples. I tend, although alot wouldn’t agree because I don’t show it, to see things from other peoples point of view. I see peoples’ perspective from their lifestyle rather than just my own.

But, ew. I sound like I’m getting political. =). I love music, computers, and friends. My cell phone is my life. I text more than call. I have unlimited texting. Since I can’t use MySpace, get to know me by emailing me, or IMing me. I’m also on Twitter and Facebook. I’m really supposed to be on Facebook… I love making movies, and doing youtube projects. Alot of people don’t know my creative side. I find myself on my computer making electronical songs, other music, LOTS of videos, graphics, and I do some web stuff. Honestly, I’m not as much of a tech nerd as I used to be. Iv’e branced out and became a person with many interests.

Well I think Iv’e said enough. I’ll be adding alot of posts on here now that I had on other blogs, so don’t think I just wrote ten entries right away. BAHAHAHAHAHA.

Email: rduffy12@gmail.com    <<<I check everyday now

AIM: RyanD124      <<<I’m on frequently